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(Originally printed in Chicago Magazine, January 1999)
At Perry's Deli in the Loop, you don't ask for your lettuce and tomatoes on the side, you don't quibble over the accuracy of the bill when only pennies are involved, and--for heaven's sake--you don't use a cell phone. You use a cell phone, and you go hungry. Perry's cell phone ban is posted clearly on dozens of signs: "If you are that important that you must use a phone during lunch you should be eating at a much more upscale restaurant!" The signs paper almost every available flat surface in the deli, at 180 North Franklin Street. "What do you need to get on the phone for here?" Perry says, by way of explanation. "It's so rude, and it negates everyone around you." Still, every so often, some fool tries his luck. Perry, a short, mustachioed man shaped almost exactly like a kaiser roll, gives phone offenders one warning; then he shows them the door.
"SIR! SIR!" PERRY SHOUTED
once over the restaurant microphone, the customer talking on a cell phone put his finger in his ear and continued. "Don't put you finger in your ear!" Perry shouted, louder this time. "I'm talking to you, mister. You can't use your cell phone in here!" "I'm a doctor," the customer announced, indignantly. "Excuuuse Me!" snapped Perry, blood rushing to his balding head. "I guess you're better than all of us. You know what? Get the hell outta here!"
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The doctor departed, and Perry's customers rose in a round of applause for the man who makes the rules--and the food. The bulging turkey roast beef, and pastrami sandwiches--about the size of Perry's fatty biceps--are the featured attractions, drawing lines that spill onto the sidewalk. The owner's Don Rickles shtick is an amusing sideshow. "I've got a stale Danish for anyone who can answer this trivia question," Perry hollers every 15 minutes or so. Then he throws out a stumper such as: "Does anyone remember black-and- white TV? If you do, who played Paladin?" A customer guessed this one correctly (Richard Boone) but refused to sing the show's theme song. "You jellyfish!" Perry snorted, then sang: "Have gun, will travel..." Perry, 45, wanted to be and actor once. Surprised? Now he's got his own show. Five times a week since 1982, he's Perry the Deli Guy. No last name, please. And the Deli Guy --like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld--does what he wants. If he wants a sandwich named after his wife, the Freddie McSchnausser Cold Meat Loaf is born (sorry, no time to explain). If he wants to kick you out for supporting the imperial Cellular One, so be it. Some will say Perry's cell phone ban strikes a blow for civility and good manners. Others might suggest he's just making sure everyone in the deli is paying attention to his routine. Either way, you've been warned. Put down the phone and back away. Nice and easy, now. -- JONATHAN EIG |
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